Where will you go in 2010?

I read this verse today and thought it was very appropriate for the New Year.  It is one you probably have seen before, but it always gives me comfort when I read it.  As you reflect upon 2009 and think about what is ahead in 2010, remember that God is ultimately in charge.  He knows what's in store for you, even if it's completely different than anything you could have imagined.  We just have to trust that wherever he is leading us is in the right direction instead of wondering why he is taking us on a different route.

" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." ~Jeremiah 29:11-13

That's all for now.  I hope you all have a great night.  Chris and I will be ringing in the new year at home.  He went to the Butler game and I had to work... and i'll be heading back to the pharmacy in the morning.  Exciting night for us!  One of my technicians at work referred to us as an old married couple earlier today.  But that's alright, i'm okay with that.  :)

Bring It On, 2010

Merry Christmas (a few days late) and Happy New Year (a day early)!

 

We had a pretty low key Christmas this year.  We spent Christmas Eve at home and headed to Cissna on Christmas morning to stay with Chris' family for a few days. It was nice to see his family but it was the first year ever that I didn't see my parents for Christmas.  That made me a bit sentimental (I know, me, sentimental?) but I got through it!  I will say, though, that the hardest part for me was on Christmas Eve and morning.  For some reason I was very emotional.  This may sound crazy to some of you, but in the short time that I was pregnant I had already imagined myself being six months pregnant at Christmas time, and as we sat at our church service all I could do was fight back tears as I saw a number of babies being held by their mothers.  There are also two very adorable babies in our family that we were around on Christmas day.  While I have adjusted to being around them and enjoy seeing them, I struggle to carry on a conversation with others at the same time without crying.  It was also hard because I expected myself to be happy. I mean, after all, it was Christmas--the birth of our Savior--but I just couldn't find complete happiness while struggling with sadness at the same time.  I had to continually remind myself to be patient and to trust that God is there for me.  I pray for others to be patient with me as well, especially Chris.  I'm not sure what I would do without him, because he was and is amazing.  Just when I think he's going to give up on me or tell me to suck it up, he becomes my shoulder to cry on... over and over again.  I love you babe!  

I did have a favorite gift this year for Christmas (with a close second being monkey slippers from my mom and sister... two different pairs:).  My mother-in-law bought us a Hallmark ornament that says "Sleep in Heavenly Peace" with the year 2009.  I will treasure it every year as we place it on our tree (although it's not going to get packed away just yet--I might have to keep it out for awhile).

Anyway, I hope you all have a safe and happy new year.  As another year comes around, I am reminding myself to be thankful for all that I have and to try and not want what others have.  Contentment is key!  I am currently reading a book called Hannah's Hope and it's amazing!  It really has helped me see things from a different perspective and to be content with what I have.  Here is a link in case you are interested (I couldn't find it at the library or bookstore, I had to oder it online, but it was worth every penny): http://www.hannahshopebook.com/.  I might have to elaborate more later when i'm finished reading.

  HaPpY NeW YeaR!!!

Dashing Through the Holidays

Where to begin?  It seems like a lot has been going on since my last post.  I don't know about you, but i'm having a hard time getting things done before Christmas.  I have yet to send out Christmas cards and I still have a few gifts to buy and lots of wrapping to do!  Ahh!  My weekends have been very busy lately and I can't seem to find the time to get things done.  I'm actually glad that I work this coming weekend because that means I have a day off during the week so I can get things accomplished!  Hooray for Thursday!

Anyway, here are a few snapshots of what i've been up to.  Last weekend I helped my sister with a sleepover at her studio.  The kids had a blast and ended up falling asleep around 2am.  Unfortunately my sister and I got maybe 2 hours of sleep the entire night because one of the girls was sleep talking/crying on and off for about 3 hours and another girl had a headache and wanted to go home around 5am.  Plus, sleeping on the spring floor is not as comfortable as you would think.  We finally decided to sleep on the pit around 6am and slept until the kids left at 8.  

Here they are... full of smiles and energy!

After I attempted to take a nap at home on Sunday morning Chris and I made Christmas cookies for a cookie exchange with my small group on Sunday night.  I also made Rice Krispy Treat Ornaments from a Pampered Chef cookbook.  They were harder to make than I expected, but Chris was a great help since I was functioning on little sleep!

 

 After another busy week of work, we had two Christmas parties to attend.  On Saturday night my pharmacy manager had us over to her house for our annual Christmas pitch-in and gift exchange.  This photo is of Caitlin and myself.  She is one of our technicians and one of my good friends. 

Yes, I chopped my hair!

On Sunday night we had a Christmas party with the Young Life committee and leaders.  I actually haven't been doing much with Young Life this semester just because of everything that has happened and also because of my work schedule, but Chris is still involved and it was great to see everyone.  They are all like a family to us!

Chris is second from right in back and i'm last on the right in front

Lastly, we celebrated my niece's birthday on Saturday.  She turned the big 2!!  She LOVES her "Papa" and hardly leaves his sight when he is around.

Happy Birthday, Addie!

We got her a peek-a-boo doll that talks and moves... I thought it was the cutest thing ever!  She seemed to really like it and her parents were thankful that it had an off button to keep it from talking all the time :)

 

I'm very thankful that i've been able to spend time with some of my family and friends over the past few weeks.  I hope you are all having a good week and are finding time to get everything done during this busy season!!

GoBBLe GoBBLe

Happy Thanksgiving to my friends and family!  I hope you all find some time to relax with your family and to be reminded of what you are thankful for.  This year I am especially thankful for my family and friends.  I know we all say that--but really--I am.  I am also thankful for all that I have been given in life when so much of it I don't deserve.  I am truly blessed in life.

We are headed to Illinois to celebrate Turkey Day with Chris' family.  I'm looking forward to spending some time with them, but I will also miss seeing my family.  I hope you all enjoy your day!

What are YOU thankful for?

GoBBLe GoBBLe

TGIF?

Today was a long day.  I ended up working at my store this morning and then filling in at the Greenwood store tonight for a pharmacist who was sick with the flu.  So, all in all I worked from 8am-9pm.  All I have to say is there is a reason there are 8-hour work days... my feet hurt and i'm tired!  Besides that, it has been three months today, so that was definitely on my mind in between filling scripts.  I would have been 24-weeks.  We love you little one and think of you all the time. 

Short and Sweet

Why is it that weekends go by so much faster than weekdays?  Don't get me wrong, it was enjoyable, but too short (and I just remembered I had a 3-day weekend)!  It started off with lunch with my friend Trina on Friday, and then saw her again on Friday night when we went to dinner with a group of friends from our small group.  We had terrible service but good fellowship :)  

On Saturday, Chris got up at 4am to go hunting.  Yes... 4am.  I went to lunch with my good friend Annie whose husband also went hunting with Chris.  We had a good time catching up at lunch and then went to good ole GHS for the mid-state cheer competition.  She is a teacher for some of the middle school kids and I teach some of them at my sister's studio, so we decided to go together.  This picture is of Annie and I when we were middle schoolers.  We look so much younger than today's kids!  It's probably one of my all-time favorite pictures though... thanks for the memories, Annie! :)

After the cheer competition I ended  up going to the Pacer game with my sister.  She has a team called the Pacers Cheer Pals that performs at games once a month.  Her husband was sick so I ended up going with her since she had an extra ticket.  It was nice to chat with her during the game.  The kids are so cute and did a great job performing!

Today was good because I got to spend it with my hubby.  Since I work some weekends, I really enjoy my weekends off, especially Sundays.  I really have to give him props for being such a great husband.  He is very supportive and always there to give me his shoulder to cry on... literally.  Oh, and in case you were wondering, he got a pheasant while hunting (deer season starts next weekend in Illinois).  He was the only one out of the group to "get" anything so I was happy for him (but not for the others--I wouldn't want to spend hours out in the woods and having nothing to show for it)!

Well, that's all.  I hope you all had a good weekend.  I'm sure yours went by just as fast.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong"

I know, it's been awhile.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's more like finding the right words to write in a way that will make sense.  So, here's my best attempt...

Since our miscarriage i've heard many comments on how i'm handling things so well and how strong I have been.  Well, it's funny because I don't feel that way at all.  I can honestly say that i'm not strong.  I have never felt so weak.  The only reason I appear to be strong is because I have to be.  What other choice do I have?  Life must go on! 

I have learned through this that only God knows what I am going through and what I am capable of.  If you had asked me the day this happened, I would have said I cannot handle this!  But, God has shown me that I can if I let him take care of me.  I have realized that my worries never weakened me to this point before.  They were issues that I thought I could handle on my own.  Now, when I am feeling weak and wonder how to make it through the day, I have to depend on God for strength.  Through all the tears and pain I know that God loves me and will lead me to happiness in his timing.

Grief pushes us to gain a better understanding of the lessons that are there for us to learn.  I may not understand why this had to happen, but I still love God for who he is.  In Job 1:21 it says this, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.”  Just because God chose to take our baby away doesn't mean that he doesn't love us.  Is what you know about God big enough to handle what you don’t know in this life?

I'm not even sure if any of that made sense!  Sometimes I struggle to remember it myself.  It is so easy to stray away from the truth and to get wrapped up in the worries of this life. If you are struggling with something in your life, my hope is that this will help you in some way.  Try to depend on God for just one day.  Let go of everything and let God take control.  He can handle so much more than we can!  I will end with a verse that has been on my heart lately...

"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Closer to Love

Well folks, we're back!  It's hard to believe how fast five days in Florida can go.  It really was SO nice to spend time together, and the weather was absolutely beautiful.  Sunny and 90 almost every day.  I would go back in a heartbeat.  I will let the pictures tell the story...

I spent a lot of time at the beach and pool.  This is the lazy river (on the left) and the pool.  I spent a lot of time in the sun, but Chris can't stay in the sun for too long before he gets burnt.   He would join me for a little bit but then had to hit the shade.

Of course, the highlight of our trip for Christopher was when we went fishing!  That's right, we went fishing.  A lot of it was new to me because I don't have much experience with fishing, but we both enjoyed it.  Especially Chris, he loves his fish!  

We caught quite a few fish.  Chris is holding a King Mackerel that he caught, and i'm holding a Red Snapper (and there are a few on the ground behind me that we also caught).  I came really close to catching two others, a baracuda and one of which was probably 5-feet long!  I reeled and reeled and when it was close to the boat he got away.  Darn fishy!  My arms sure got a workout.  Would have been nice to see what I caught though (the captain could see them from the top but we couldn't)!

This is a picture of us taking a "break" from shopping.  I mean, I spent four hours fishing so I deserved four hours of shopping, right?  Lastly, here are a few pictures we snapped on the beach.

For those of you who remember, we were in Florida on October 15th, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day.  You can see that i'm holding a small candle here in honor of our little one and also for any other baby who has been lost. We lit our candle on the beach in memory of our baby.  It was a bittersweet moment.  


All in all, our vacation was great.  I did lots of reading and felt like I maybe moved along in my healing process a bit.  As I head back to work today it's hard to believe that it has been two months since we lost our baby.  I can't remember two months ever going by so fast.  Sometimes it all seems like a blur, but then I think to myself, maybe that's a good thing.  Our little getaway was a great reminder of how lucky I am to have such a loving husband.  I find myself falling more and more in love with him every day.  I'm so grateful for his support through all of this.  Even thought I may struggle to understand some things in life, I still have to stop and realize how blessed I am in life.  

I recently have become a good fan of Mat Kearney.  He was actually in Indy earlier this month.  Chris got me tickets for my birthday and I got to listen to him in person.  I'm not even a big concert person, but I loved it!  You may have heard his song, "Closer to Love" on the radio (it is also on my playlist on the left).  I find myself listening to it every day.  It makes me think of what we've been through and how it has drawn me closer to love... not only closer to my husband but closer to God, who knows how to love more than we will ever know. 

Here Comes The Sun...

Well, fellow blog readers, we are FloRidA BoUnD!!!

I cannot begin to tell you much I am ready for a vacation!  I have never really felt like I have needed a vacation before, until now.  Work has been really busy lately and I just feel like I need a break from everything in general.  I have felt physically and emotionally drained ever since our miscarriage, so this is our chance to get away, sort our thoughts, and relax!  I am so thankful that we have the opportunity to take some days off from work and spend some time together.   

Since I will be away from my computer on the 16th, I want to wish my Mom a very Happy Birthday!!  This time last year I was getting ready to fly to Arizona to surprise her for her birthday (my parents live in Surprise, AZ, for those of you not aware).  My dad teamed up with me and took her to Red Robin for dinner.  I was actually there waiting and snuck up to her table.  She was in shock and couldn't say anything except, "Oh my gosh!" over and over again.  I will never forget it!  Happy Birthday, Mom!  Love you!

Well, that's all for now.  I'm sure i'll have pictures to share when we return.  We are going to Ft. Lauderdale.  Our hotel is on a beach and has a lazy river (at my request).  That should keep me plenty busy until Sunday :) 

"Here comes the sun, 

here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes... "

Birthday Blessings

I am blessed to share my birthday with my precious niece, Katie, who turns 9 today (just a few years younger than I'm turning, haha)!  Over the weekend my in-laws threw me a surprise birthday party.  My sister and brother-in-law joined us as well.  It was so thoughtful of all of them and I felt very loved.  Thanks guys--love you all!

Here are a couple of pictures from the weekend...

I'm hoping to see some sunshine today, so far it's a rainy day in Indy.  Hope you all have a great day!  I'm off to spend some time with my hubby before heading to work (he was very sweet and took the morning off to spend with me on my birthday)!

Remembering Our Babies

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?

I wanted to share a few facts with you in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Besides sharing our story with you through this blog, my hope is to help others dealing with a loss.  Even if you haven't experienced a personal loss, I think it's good to know how to be there for someone else.  Before my miscarriage, I'll admit that I didn't realize the physical, spiritual, and emotional impact it could have on you.  I just hope that maybe I can help others realize what it's like and how to either get through it themselves or how to help others.  So... look forward to blogs related to this in the future.  In the meantime, here are some facts to make YOU more aware (information from the American Pregnancy Association)

DID YOU KNOW?

* As many as 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage... that's 1 out of 4 pregnancies!!

* 75% of those miscarriages occur in the first trimester, before 12 weeks (a loss after 20 weeks is no longer considered a miscarriage, but a stillbirth)

* 670,000 women in America miscarry ever year

* Fortunately, most women who miscarry, even more than once, can become pregnant again and have a healthy baby

* Many hospitals have memorial walks or services in October in memory of lost babies.  St Francis Hospital in Beech Grove hosts a "Walk to Remember" every year in October.

* On October 15th, at 7pm your time, people all over the world are invited to light a candle in honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I hope you found this helpful or informational in some way.  If you would like any more information, visit http://www.october15th.com/ or http://pregnancyloss.info/.  There is a YouTube video about the Wave of Light on October 15th but I couldn't get it on my page for some reason. If you are interested just click the first link.  Chris and I will be in Florida on the 15th, but we just might have to pack a candle to light in memory of our little one.  Thanks for reading :)

Safe in the arms of God

Finding someone else to talk to about miscarriage has been very vital for me.  Not only in knowing that i'm not alone, but in finding advice.  Cindy, a friend of mine who has been through two miscarriages (but just had a beautiful little girl!) has been very helpful (thanks Cindy!).  She also encouraged me to do something to remember our baby.  I took her advice to heart and purchased two precious moment figurines. One is a couple (i.e. "Chris and myself") with their hands together.  Below I had the words written "Praying for Strength".  The other is a baby on a cloud.  I recently put them in our nursery, with the baby above "us", symbolizing that our baby is in heaven.  Chris and I also picked out a birthstone ring for the month of March, when our baby would have been born.  I love wearing it and enjoy seeing it every day.  Here is a picture of the precious moments in our nursery.  I see them every night before I go to bed since our rooms are side by side.

I've also been blessed by family and friends that have been there for me that haven't experienced a miscarriage.  I know it's hard to know what to do or what to say, but just simply being there to talk has been a very helpful to me.  Immediately after our miscarriage, I wondered if my baby was in heaven or not.  I mean, you hear the saying frequently "at least your baby is in heaven now", which is very comforting, but how do you know for sure?  A few weeks ago some girls in my bible study encouraged me with scripture to back it up (thanks, Angela!), but there was still a part of me that wasn't sure.  My awesome sister-in-law, Jessica, must have known exactly what I was thinking, because just this week she gave me a book called "Safe in the arms of God".  It is a book about where babies go when they die, whether the child is unborn, a newborn, a year old, etc.  I am still in the process of reading it, but so far it has been a huge help in knowing that my child is for sure in heaven.  If you've ever asked yourself the same question, I would encourage you to read it.  I think it would be beneficial for anyone to read, not just a parent who has lost a child. 

Of course I still wonder why God would give us a child and then take it away from us, even if he/she is in heaven, but that is something we don't have the answer to.  I have found comfort in this verse recently, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28.  For some reason God is doing this for the good.  That, however, is yet to be determined...

* ThAnKs again -- I spent some time with my dear friend Allyson last week and with Jessica this week.  Allyson and her mom have been a huge help at getting me some materials that I was supposed to get at the hospital but never did.  And Jess has been the best sister-in-law I could ever ask for.  My mom has been wonderful as well!  Thanks for helping me through this!  You mean more to me than you will ever know! 

Join us in the JuNgLe...

Bittersweet Memories

Welcome to our blog!  Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I had this webpage designed to share our journey through pregnancy and eventually parenthood.  My original thought was that it went along with the theme of our nursery, a safari.  I chose the title simply because I thought it was catchy and I figured our experience of parenthood would sort of resemble the "life in a jungle" (figuratively speaking).  Little did I know that our “jungle” would start so soon.  Instead of waiting to share our blog until I got pregnant again, I decided to dedicate our first entry to our little love that we lost.   It is simply to mourn and celebrate the life of our first child whom we will never forget.   I started putting my thoughts into a journal so that I would remember my first pregnancy exactly how it was.  I decided to include some entries.  Here is our story...

6.30.09 
This is the day I found out I was pregnant!  I took a test in the morning and could hardly contain myself throughout the day -- it was hard not to tell anyone and everyone! I didn’t want to tell Chris over the phone, so I went to work from 1-9 and then came home to Chris playing Wii MarioKart with Alex (a friend of ours who was living with us at the time).  I anxiously awaited them to finish so the two of us could head upstairs to bed.  I then gave Chris a little gift that I had made with iron-on letters.  It was a bib that said "Congrats Daddy!".  He was surprised and excited all at the same time.  I loved the expression on his face, he looked so proud and I will never forget it :)

7.24.09 

The day of our first prenatal appt was probably the highlight of our pregnancy.  It was still early on so we couldn’t hear the heartbeat yet, but we did see the little heart “flicker” on the screen!  It was the most amazing feeling and I'm sure we’ll never forget it.  At that point the baby measured to be 6 weeks, 3 days (EDT 3.15.10).  Even though the baby was SO tiny, he/she was completely real to us.  This was our baby that God had created for us and we had fallen in love with our little one already.


Over the next few weeks I continued to have nausea and lots of cravings.  In fact, I was starving all the time!  My co-workers had never seen me eat so much!  It was almost exhausting to keep up because if I didn’t eat frequently I would start feeling sick.  My stomach also started to grow a bit.  I was actually excited about this because I thought it was a sign that things were going well.  We took this picture the Sunday before our 2nd prenatal appt.   Even if you can’t tell, I promise there was a bump there :)

8.20.09

We went in for our 2nd appt hoping to hear the heartbeat for the first time.   My doctor tried to listen but couldn’t hear anything.  At this point I was starting to worry.  My doctor then did an ultrasound but that didn't go well either.  We knew immediately what was happening.  Sadly, there was no heartbeat and the baby had not grown since our last appt.  I then remember the doctor saying the baby had not grown and had died inside of me.  To be honest, I really don’t remember what she said after that.  We were completely devastated and can't really even explain how I felt at this point.  I remember a million thoughts racing through my mind.  Why?  Not me.  This can't really be happening. What could I have done wrong?  When did the heart stop beating?  It was beating before. We were so excited.  Our parents and families were ecstatic.  How could we break the news to them?  Worst of all, I kept picturing the little fetus on the screen that was no longer alive, but was still a part of me in every way.

9.17.09  
So, where do we go from here?  This is the hardest thing we've ever been through, both in our lives and together as a couple.  It has been a process in healing and learning, but we have started to grow closer to each other and to God.  We struggle to understand why this had to happen but try to depend on God for strength.  As hard as it is to say, I think it's important not to focus on the why factor, but to figure out where to go from here and how to grow from this. We have faith that we will have a child of our own in the future, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  In fact, I never thought it would be this hard.  Our baby brought so much joy to us in the short time that his/her little heart was beating, and that's what makes it so hard.  I know this was kind of long, but I wanted to share our story since we won’t get to share his/her childhood with you on our blog like we had intended.  That being said, we will never forget our first little miracle, and we can now look forward to seeing our baby in heaven some day.

ThAnK YoU to our parents, family, & friends...

To those who have prayed, called, emailed, texted, sent a card, filled in for me at work, brought us dinner, or simply gave me your shoulder to cry on... thank you!  We could not get through this without our family and friends.  God is our #1 strength, but we need support just as much.  Thank you again and please continue to pray, it is a daily struggle as we continue to grieve, we just need time...

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31