Safe in the arms of God

Finding someone else to talk to about miscarriage has been very vital for me.  Not only in knowing that i'm not alone, but in finding advice.  Cindy, a friend of mine who has been through two miscarriages (but just had a beautiful little girl!) has been very helpful (thanks Cindy!).  She also encouraged me to do something to remember our baby.  I took her advice to heart and purchased two precious moment figurines. One is a couple (i.e. "Chris and myself") with their hands together.  Below I had the words written "Praying for Strength".  The other is a baby on a cloud.  I recently put them in our nursery, with the baby above "us", symbolizing that our baby is in heaven.  Chris and I also picked out a birthstone ring for the month of March, when our baby would have been born.  I love wearing it and enjoy seeing it every day.  Here is a picture of the precious moments in our nursery.  I see them every night before I go to bed since our rooms are side by side.

I've also been blessed by family and friends that have been there for me that haven't experienced a miscarriage.  I know it's hard to know what to do or what to say, but just simply being there to talk has been a very helpful to me.  Immediately after our miscarriage, I wondered if my baby was in heaven or not.  I mean, you hear the saying frequently "at least your baby is in heaven now", which is very comforting, but how do you know for sure?  A few weeks ago some girls in my bible study encouraged me with scripture to back it up (thanks, Angela!), but there was still a part of me that wasn't sure.  My awesome sister-in-law, Jessica, must have known exactly what I was thinking, because just this week she gave me a book called "Safe in the arms of God".  It is a book about where babies go when they die, whether the child is unborn, a newborn, a year old, etc.  I am still in the process of reading it, but so far it has been a huge help in knowing that my child is for sure in heaven.  If you've ever asked yourself the same question, I would encourage you to read it.  I think it would be beneficial for anyone to read, not just a parent who has lost a child. 

Of course I still wonder why God would give us a child and then take it away from us, even if he/she is in heaven, but that is something we don't have the answer to.  I have found comfort in this verse recently, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..." Romans 8:28.  For some reason God is doing this for the good.  That, however, is yet to be determined...

* ThAnKs again -- I spent some time with my dear friend Allyson last week and with Jessica this week.  Allyson and her mom have been a huge help at getting me some materials that I was supposed to get at the hospital but never did.  And Jess has been the best sister-in-law I could ever ask for.  My mom has been wonderful as well!  Thanks for helping me through this!  You mean more to me than you will ever know! 

Join us in the JuNgLe...

Bittersweet Memories

Welcome to our blog!  Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I had this webpage designed to share our journey through pregnancy and eventually parenthood.  My original thought was that it went along with the theme of our nursery, a safari.  I chose the title simply because I thought it was catchy and I figured our experience of parenthood would sort of resemble the "life in a jungle" (figuratively speaking).  Little did I know that our “jungle” would start so soon.  Instead of waiting to share our blog until I got pregnant again, I decided to dedicate our first entry to our little love that we lost.   It is simply to mourn and celebrate the life of our first child whom we will never forget.   I started putting my thoughts into a journal so that I would remember my first pregnancy exactly how it was.  I decided to include some entries.  Here is our story...

6.30.09 
This is the day I found out I was pregnant!  I took a test in the morning and could hardly contain myself throughout the day -- it was hard not to tell anyone and everyone! I didn’t want to tell Chris over the phone, so I went to work from 1-9 and then came home to Chris playing Wii MarioKart with Alex (a friend of ours who was living with us at the time).  I anxiously awaited them to finish so the two of us could head upstairs to bed.  I then gave Chris a little gift that I had made with iron-on letters.  It was a bib that said "Congrats Daddy!".  He was surprised and excited all at the same time.  I loved the expression on his face, he looked so proud and I will never forget it :)

7.24.09 

The day of our first prenatal appt was probably the highlight of our pregnancy.  It was still early on so we couldn’t hear the heartbeat yet, but we did see the little heart “flicker” on the screen!  It was the most amazing feeling and I'm sure we’ll never forget it.  At that point the baby measured to be 6 weeks, 3 days (EDT 3.15.10).  Even though the baby was SO tiny, he/she was completely real to us.  This was our baby that God had created for us and we had fallen in love with our little one already.


Over the next few weeks I continued to have nausea and lots of cravings.  In fact, I was starving all the time!  My co-workers had never seen me eat so much!  It was almost exhausting to keep up because if I didn’t eat frequently I would start feeling sick.  My stomach also started to grow a bit.  I was actually excited about this because I thought it was a sign that things were going well.  We took this picture the Sunday before our 2nd prenatal appt.   Even if you can’t tell, I promise there was a bump there :)

8.20.09

We went in for our 2nd appt hoping to hear the heartbeat for the first time.   My doctor tried to listen but couldn’t hear anything.  At this point I was starting to worry.  My doctor then did an ultrasound but that didn't go well either.  We knew immediately what was happening.  Sadly, there was no heartbeat and the baby had not grown since our last appt.  I then remember the doctor saying the baby had not grown and had died inside of me.  To be honest, I really don’t remember what she said after that.  We were completely devastated and can't really even explain how I felt at this point.  I remember a million thoughts racing through my mind.  Why?  Not me.  This can't really be happening. What could I have done wrong?  When did the heart stop beating?  It was beating before. We were so excited.  Our parents and families were ecstatic.  How could we break the news to them?  Worst of all, I kept picturing the little fetus on the screen that was no longer alive, but was still a part of me in every way.

9.17.09  
So, where do we go from here?  This is the hardest thing we've ever been through, both in our lives and together as a couple.  It has been a process in healing and learning, but we have started to grow closer to each other and to God.  We struggle to understand why this had to happen but try to depend on God for strength.  As hard as it is to say, I think it's important not to focus on the why factor, but to figure out where to go from here and how to grow from this. We have faith that we will have a child of our own in the future, but it doesn’t make it any easier.  In fact, I never thought it would be this hard.  Our baby brought so much joy to us in the short time that his/her little heart was beating, and that's what makes it so hard.  I know this was kind of long, but I wanted to share our story since we won’t get to share his/her childhood with you on our blog like we had intended.  That being said, we will never forget our first little miracle, and we can now look forward to seeing our baby in heaven some day.

ThAnK YoU to our parents, family, & friends...

To those who have prayed, called, emailed, texted, sent a card, filled in for me at work, brought us dinner, or simply gave me your shoulder to cry on... thank you!  We could not get through this without our family and friends.  God is our #1 strength, but we need support just as much.  Thank you again and please continue to pray, it is a daily struggle as we continue to grieve, we just need time...

"Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:31